Monday, November 8, 2010

Listening Is Just As Important As Speaking

Solange des Vignes

Royal Roads University

Communication is generally thought to be a verbal way of delivering and receiving a message. By studying and developing new theories, it is clear that communication is much deeper than just the spoken word. In this paper I will be discussing three personal ideas on how to effectively communicate.

Law #1: How you phrase something indicates how effective it will be. It is ingrained in each and every one of us what communication method works for our personality. There are four different ways that I believe one can speak to effectively communicate.

The first way that I believe is the most effective for myself is saying something in a direct way. For example, if you want to find out something you will say: “Tell me why you did not wash the dishes today.” This direct approach assumes that the person already knows why they didn’t and all you need to do is hear what it is. You are not giving them the option to sit and think about it.

The second way is giving the person that option to think about it. You phrase your statement as a question. For example: “Why did you not want to wash the dishes today? Was there something going on today that made you not want to do it?” This approach is giving the person the opportunity to put some thought into their answer because you are assuming that they are somewhat indecisive about how they feel. Your phrasing gives the person you are asking the feeling that you have not assumed anything about their situation and you respect them enough to ask and find out.

The third way is making a statement of fact. This way seems to be most effective for teachers when they are trying to teach something. It is not effective when you are trying to communicate a message to your peers because it comes across that you are speaking in a lofty manner. You are assuming that the person you are speaking to does not know and without your input will probably never know. You are not giving them the option to think or tell you how they feel. For example: “Washing the dishes is unsanitary and unhygienic. If you don’t wash the dishes you are inviting unnecessary germs into the household.” You are telling the person not what you think about the issue but what you know. You expect that they will listen to what you have to say and not question it.

The fourth way is challenging someone to prove something otherwise. You may have a certain opinion but you are open to the fact that they might have another point of view. This is an approach that teachers can use as well to prove that their point is in fact correct. Some people may not respond well to this because regardless of who is wrong or right, they do not want to prove anything. They come to the conclusion that you have your point of view and I have mine; there is no point in trying to come to an agreement. For example: “I bet if you don’t wash the dishes we will have roaches in the house by next week.” Some may think that this is true and wash the dishes just to be sure. However, some may think that they want to prove that roaches will not be in the house if they don’t wash the dishes; so they will not wash the dishes.

Individually, each of these four ways may work more for one person than for another. It is important that if you want to be an effective communicator that you take the time to notice which approach works best for the person or group that you are trying to communicate with. Because each approach works differently for every person, when working in a group you may have conflicting approaches so you will have to be aware of the approach that works best for the group as a whole. You would be making use of codetermination. “Codetermination is the collaborative decision making; participatory democracy in the work place” (Griffin, 2009, p. 264).

You will have to listen to everyone involved in the group to see and then decide which approach will work best. You will be hoping that there are individuals in the group that are open to discursive closure. This would involve the “suppression of conflict without employees realizing that they are complicit in their own censorship” (Griffin, 2009, p. 268). The approach chosen for the group may not be as effective for some but it somewhat works and somehow you find a way to get them to work with it.

Law #2: Depending on what we’ve heard or know about someone, may affect how well we listen to what they have to say. This may mean that we can hear the same message from 2 different people and interpret them in two completely different ways.

Judee Burgoon’s Expectancy Violations Theory is not only about maintaining that comfortable personal space between you and someone else; it is “facial expression, eye contact, touch and body lean”(Griffin, 2009, p. 88). Expectancy is “what people will predict will happen, rather than what they desire” (Griffin, 2009, p. 89). It is my belief that someone’s predictions of what someone says and how they say can affect their perception of that person and further messages from them for an indefinite period of time.

For example, there may be a student that just does not learn from a particular professor, no matter how factual or interesting their lesson is for that day. The professor may have offended the student by not taking notice of a specific speech code. Gerry Philipsen’s Speech Codes Theory “refers to a historically enacted, socially constructed system of terms, meanings, premises, and rules, pertaining to communicative conduct“(Griffin, 2009, p. 414). The professor may have said something unknowingly in his or her lecture or may have made a joke to the student that goes against one a speech code that is specific to their culture or family.

The student will then impose a negative violation valence on the professor. Violation valence is “the perceived positive or negative value assigned to a breach of expectations, regardless of who the violator is” (Griffin, 2009, p. 90). The student knows that the professor is someone who she should respect and is of a higher authority to her but because he has showed her a lack of respect she has prescribed a negative value to his character.

The best solution to this type of problem comes in two parts. The person that is offended will have to consciously realize that they have taken one statement or action and ran up their ladder of inference. The ladder of inference refers to hearing, seeing or thinking something and subconsciously coming to our own conclusions without having any solid facts or input from the source.

The student should then approach the professor and calmly and directly address the issue. The professor should acknowledge that he or she has said something that has broken that professional trust and make a concerted effort not to cross that line again.

If they come to an amicable agreement, they have made use of the interaction adaptation theory (IAT). IAT is “a systematic analysis of how people adjust their approach when another’s behaviour doesn’t mesh with what’s needed, anticipated, or preferred” (Griffin, 2009, p. 93).

The professor now knows that he or she has to be more careful with regards to sensitivity in his students and the student has to understand that he or she cannot take every little thing that someone says too personally.

Law #3: Women tend to be trusted more than men because of men’s physical dominance . Because of this we think women are not as threatening physically so we automatically assume they’re not threatening when communicating. Our mind assumes they are trust worthy so sometimes we may ignore the non-verbal signs of distrust and just go with what we’re hearing. Adversely , women, because of constant over analysis, tend to not trust as easily. Women need constant reassurance when dealing with a situation because of this ingrained lack of trust. The term used for this is genderlects. It suggests, “masculine and feminine styles of discourse are best viewed as two distinct cultural dialects” (Griffin, 2009, p. 430).

For women to bond with someone or get close enough that they believe something that someone is telling them is to get to know them. If a woman does not know who someone is and where he or she are coming from she might immediately think they are not to be trusted. They engage in rapport talk that is “the typical conversational style of women, which seeks to establish connection with others” (Griffin, 2009, p. 432). Men however do not need a lot of disclosure from someone to listen to what they have to say. They are able to decide for themselves what they believe and what they trust. This falls into place with what is said to be report talk that is “the typical monologic style of men, which seeks to command attention, convey information, and win arguments” (Griffin, 2009, p. 433).

Men tend not to get as emotionally involved because they have never asked and most times are not interested to find out the life story of the person they are listening to. They are able to listen to someone that is well informed, well educated, knowledgeable, confident and articulate. Women will need additional reinforcements. They would need someone that has all the qualities that a communicator would need from men as well as a story or characteristic that makes them seem vulnerable yet open and friendly.

It is obvious now that communication is not just about having a message and wanting to relay it to a specific person, group, organization or culture. There is a lot more research and analysis that needs to be invested before the communicating even begins. You have to be prepared for who you are communicating to be it male or female, how you are going to relay this important message and finally take into consideration that you may have some unexpected hurdles based on your subject’s past experiences. A sure way to be an effective communicator is to remember the researched theories of communication as well as remembering it is just as important to observe and listen to your audience as it is speaking to them.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Help! Please!

There must be something to inspire me, something to bring some excitement to my life. Recently I just have not had the bug to write, be creative, be profound. Everything is a different shade of grey. Reminds me of the beginnings of the company I have been interning for. Remote Stylist is an interactive new company meant to bridge the gap between those who know and those who don't. I wish there was a website as efficient for home decor items as Remote Stylist is but for personal issues. How amazing would that be??

I have tried everything. I just do not have the drive to scour the internet for topics to write about. I do not feel to go and read books about anything. Celebrity news does nothing for me. I see people getting so excited over this Kanye West incident and I look at it with lethargic displeasure. Is this what really amuses you? If I had some form of excitement in my life, I might share a giggle or two with the status updates or the emails circulating with Kanye speaking to Patrick Swayze, Neil Armstrong, Bin Laden etc etc but its just not coming. If I were in Your shoes, I would be reading this with such disdain. "Who does she think she is? Its just a joke. No need to be so uptight.." I agree. But I just don't see much to be giggly about.

I'm not saying I'm not happy or anything. I still smile when I hear my boyfriend's voice and see his face on Skype or when I see ads for the premiere of Grey's Anatomy but there is no zeal, no excitement. I read one of my peers blogs whenever I have a spare second and I wonder: Where does she get the motivation to have such an opinion on things. (Check out "The R" . It's a great read!)

Anyone have any ideas as to how to get some motivation? In a field such as Journalism, without motivation, you're not going to go anywhere anytime soon. I love to write but I've been always so absorbed in the academic life and being given topics to write about and article assignments that I had no choice to write about. Is there a condition called "Out of School Lack of Motivation- ness" or maybe I have just been spoon fed too much and now I don't even know how to feed myself?

Friday, September 11, 2009

FACEBOOK getting out of hand?!

Okay, I had no intentions of writing a post about this but I just HAD to after a recent status update on a friend's profile and the response under it.

First, I'll ask a question. How many people think that Facebook is getting out of hand??

I agree, it is.

Second. How many people believe that the status updates about what you're doing every second of the day, what you ate for dinner, who you're out with, who you're angry with today, when you made up, when you're angry again, how the party is RIGHT now that you're in, how funny last night was with your girls: is TOO DAMN MUCH!!

I agree as well. Its way too much. I'm not interested in all of this. If we were good enough friends outside of facebook, I would know because we would chat on the phone or on MSN. People would do this with MSN personal messages and now that Facebook allows you to post longer messages people take it overboard.

So, not to stray from my original intention for this post, I'll get started. This may be a touchy subject but it's something I just need an opinion on.

RELIGION ON FACEBOOK. (sigh)

I am Catholic by birth, belief and try to be practice. I was raised in the church, taught the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ (yes I do know scripture passages and no I cannot quote ANY) and my parents have shown me how it is to live your life in a giving, loving and natural way. I firmly believe that no matter what religion you practice, once you live your life with no malice in your heart and love for your fellow man, you're on your way to something good!

Something that has been going on that has been bothering me and honestly freaking not only myself out but a lot of people who have these mutual friends online. Putting a status as: :Today is God's day or I love Jesus or He is the light, the truth and the life or ANYTHING like that, really uplifts me. It makes me feel that this person is truly happy with GOD, they're going through their day with a smile in their heart because THEY LOVE JESUS and JESUS LOVES THEM. Makes me happy and wish I felt the way they do.

Now onto the far left wing, there are the status updates that just take it overboard. You know them. The ones about: If you involve yourself in things of the world there will be no eternal salvation for you! Where are you this weekend? In a club? I know I will be in church worshipping and praying!!" Come on now.....really?! Is all of that necessary?? I have SO much more status updates but I am not out to single out one person because the majority of "out there" status updates came from one person.

Anyway, I have a real problem with these judgemental status updates on a public forum like facebook. Yes, Jesus said you have to help and save your fellow man, but telling them that they're going to hell if they do not follow your religion is not right!I commented on a status that was saying that Mafia Wars is influenced by the devil after receiving two long comment replies:
wow.....i am always so overwhelmed with these scripture quoting and lecturing that goes on on facebook. I just don't think its the forum for it. I am not saying I do not believe that the Lord Jesus is our saviour, I am Catholic by religion and practice, but I just think there's a time and place for everything. The long messages and statuses is just too much man. Not facebook. It comes off as pretentious and as if you're judging people. Instead of bringing people closer to the church and wanting to learn, you're bringing your own people closer with the "I agree's" and pushing the people who NEED the help further. Tone it down and maybe the evangelism will work..


Okay well thats all I have to say for now but I would love some opinions: left and right wing on this.


DISCLAIMER: By no means do I think that Christianity is the way to heaven. As I said previously, I believe that what is in your heart and the way you live your life is enough to take you somewhere great.

Cheers, Solange

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Resolution for Change

I've always struggled with beginnings and endings. Once I figure out where to start, I can flow, but how do I start?

Okay, I'll just jump in head first.

I've wanted to start back updating my blog regularly but I would get so intimidated by the length of the time that I haven't updated and become overwhelmed by how many things I want to write about. Now that an entire month has passed since by last posting, I obviously no longer remember everything that I wanted to write about during the month of August.

Today is the day. Today is the day that I promise myself to update and write AS SOON as a compelling, interesting and relevant thought comes to mind. It is the only way for me to function properly. I have been SO busy getting into the world of promotions for the first time combined with travelling and interviews. I am very excited to be finally making some steady money but I still have yet to find my groove. Hopefully this is the week.

A few closing remarks

CONGRATS to one of my best friends Candace, soon to be lawyer in a month on the birth of her lovely baby girl: Anya
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to another best friend Kristal on her 24th birthday! I love you and I miss you!


Friday, August 7, 2009

Some Memories

  • eating raisins makes me remember raisin people;
  • eating ovaltine makes me think of nibbling all around the "ovaltine" letters;
  • bourbon biscuits reminds me of eating dry biscuits to get full;
  • eating chili bibbi reminds me of hating chilli bibbi but being greedy and still asking for some;
  • eating fruit roll up reminds me of feeling like a big shot for having a fancy snack;
  • drinking sunny d reminds me of common entrance because it was the first (and last) time I ever drank it...It was a fancy drink
  • eating pows and cheese pies reminds me of after school lessons and desperately wanting to get full with little money
  • eating a 5 dollar box of plain fried rice with soy sauce and ketchup reminds of not having money but hungry as hell
  • drinking chicken corn soup reminds me of Saturday afternoon lessons with Mr. Singh
  • The word oxymoron reminds me of that army movie with Danny de Vito
  • Chili balls...the original kind makes me feel very very happy inside. Crushing the whole back and making into a powder and then making a mess everywhere....bliss
  • Aboutique Mall reminds me of wanting to know what was the big deal down there on a Friday afternoon; telling my mom I was travelling STRAIGHT home, walking down with Candace and Seanna etc, "liming" and getting a call from my mom and running from Independence Sq to the Diego CAR stand because a maxi would take too long. I still got cuss. Mom, lol, Sorry, lol. It only happened once and I was too scared to have fun. I swear.
  • Well thats all I can remember right now. This all came about because I just had some raisins. LOL